Wishful thinking

Home again, home again…

My husband gets home tonight! Yay! My sister cracked me up today… when she was younger (and not much younger, I might add) she used to tell me I was pathetic when I would be sad or say I missed my hub if he was away. So today in AIM I asked her if I was pathetic… and she tells me no.

I said, but you always said I was pathetic when I missed [insert name] if he was away. Missy said, I’ve grown up a little since then.

Anyway, I’m so happy he’ll be home. It’s been a lonely weekend without him.

Still in the waiting game on am I? or aren’t I? It will likely be another five days before I can expect a result from a pregnancy test… and even then it will be too early to believe a negative test 100%. Of course, knowing this hasn’t stopped me from testing. Today I had an evap line, so I’m glad I knew to look for that or I’d be devastated if I get my period. Besides, it was pretty obvious after a few moments that it wasn’t an actual faint line… no color, just a shiny spot that caused a line.

There’s this part of me that is going to be utterly shocked if I’m not pregnant. Never mind the odds, or the PCOS or the potential male factor… there’s a part of me that just believes it will work right away. Naive and foolish, but I have to acknowledge it, because doing so will make it a little easier to accept when (okay, if) I’m not pregnant and it didn’t “just work.”

Our house inspection is this Friday. I really hope there aren’t any big problems hiding beneath the gorgeous surface of our house… because I love the house, I love the land it’s on and I really want out of this place. I especially don’t want to be living here when the time comes to start showing this place for new tenants. First off, with me working from home on www.jasminlive.mobi now, they’d only be able to come either before 11 or after 6… and we have to be here because with the dogs, we’re not letting in strangers. The little one gets crated when we’re out, and it’s not fair to put him in there and then have strangers come in. Plus, he’s really protective and while I don’t think he’d actually ever act on it (I think he’s a bit of a coward under the bark and other assorted bizarre this is my house noises he makes), but it would be torture for him. Our big dog is a sweetheart, and I seriously doubt he’d ever get aggressive… but he’d probably get freaked out and nervous, and when a dog is nervous, you just never know. So we would insist on being here… and then the people might ask us questions about living here, or about the owner… and uh, I don’t want to have to lie to people. Hah. She’s a bitch (she actually told the property management company that she rented to us because we were from NYC and so we wouldn’t expect a landlord to fix things) and she doesn’t want to do crap to fix this place, but she’ll be super anal about the few things she did do. Like the Pergo flooring, which we can only use soap and water on, or her dumb slate walls in the bathroom… never mind the bare wires for the light fixture outside my office door, or the wires that were hanging from our ceiling downstairs. She’s a wacko.

Sooo… I really, really want our house! Aside from loving it… and my in-laws want to pay for us to build a garage, and I think my hub might accpet that offer because he’s tired of listening to his mother be freaked about it. Cool.

Anyway, that’s the news here… have a great week!

I’m an emotional wreck today!

I am such a wreck today. Yesterday wasn’t so bad, and I woke up feeling better today because it’s the last night my hub is away. I got to talk to him for over an hour last night… so that was good. I miss him, but I’ve been coping. I read a book today (one of those short serial romances), I’m working on another book (Nora Roberts) and I even started to write my next novel (opening chapter even took me by surprise!). I drove yesterday, I watched some tv, I got to read in bed last night for a long time… I’ve been feeling okay. Sure, I’d rather my husband be here… we normally spend the entire week together since we’re both working from home. So missing him is normal, but I’m happy I haven’t been obsessing about it.

I came downstairs to do some stuff on my computer and suddenly burst into tears. I have no idea what that’s all about. I guess there’s been a lot of stress happening, but still… I usually know why I’m crying.

Then, of course, because I’m already crying, I start to miss my husband and that makes me cry even harder. Then I start to think about my little sister (I had an awful dream Friday night that she died) and I cry harder. Then I calm down and stop crying, and think, I’m okay, I’m okay… but now I’m crying again!!!

I think I need a nap. I woke up at 4:25 this morning because I really, really had to pee. Like to the point that I was having one of the pee dreams. Do you know what I’m talking about? It’s like your brain’s way of saying, wake up! Your bladder needs attention!!! Anyway, in my case I was dreaming I was standing in the shower wearing underwear and peeing in a cup. Don’t ask… all I know is, it did the trick. I woke up, went to the bathroom and went back to bed for a couple more hours.

Still, I’m pretty tired and my emotional state suggests I need a nap… I might have some lunch (veggies with my own low fat cheese sauce, yum) and go try that.

Seriously, I’m pitiful… I have work I need to do, but in this current state, there’s no point in trying!

Men must lay out grocery store aisles…

Seriously, it has to be men. What woman, or at least what woman who’s ever had the faintest desire to become a mother, would put maxi pads and other assorted “period” items in the same aisle as the stuff??? It’s just cruel.

It’s especially cruel to anyone facing infertility, which may or may not include me… but really, even for a “normal” couple it can take months of trying to get pregnant before it happens. Which means months of heartbreak when having to buy maxi pads or tampons - and add the stuff to that, and it’s devastating.

I was thinking about this today, when I went out (yes, I drove without my husband in town - go me!) to the store for more folic acid and some Tums (because I’ve had the most wicked heartburn for a few days and I’m afraid to take Zantac - just in case). Of course I can’t help but wander past the home pregnancy tests (never mind that there are currently 18 in my linen closet)… they are on the same side of the aisle as the period products. Across the aisle, is food of every imaginable type. Then there’s the “toys” and bibs and pacifiers - all right next to the maxi pads, of course. The entire aisle is stocked for making, avoiding making, getting your period and after making supplies. It’s nuts. In NYC the CVS I went to must’ve been designed by a woman - the feminine care aisle was separate from the aisle. I still went down there often, but I had no good reason to. I just enjoyed torturing myself.

Now I keep thinking that if I need maxi pads at the end of this cycle (and how I hope I won’t), I am definitely not getting them at King Soopers. At least Wal-Mart keeps the stuff separated.

Geesh. It’s something most people probably never think about… but then, I’m not most people and my ttc situation is so odd. It’s a mixture of hope and fear, of knowing there might be a problem and desperately hoping there won’t be. We’ve agreed to try six months… that’s what the midwife suggested. However, if I see that I’ve stopped ovulating before that (which my former RE indicated was a distinct possibility), I’m going to push to seek some assistance sooner. I’m already 31… I don’t want to wait too long if I know there is a problem. I’ve read that Chaturbate couples our age with no known potential fertility issues should only wait six months. So, we’ll see what happens.

It’s such a mind fuck… I’m constantly juggling the emotions of hope and fear, along with the negative and positive thoughts. I feel like if I let any one of them drop, so to speak, I’ll wind up either bitter or overly optimistic… and either way, I’ll be heading for a crash. I hope it happens because I don’t know if I have it in me to do this long term. I read stories on the PCOS site of women who’ve endured multiple miscarriages, or stillbirths and I just don’t know how they go on. I’ve read stories of women with two - often one of each - and I can’t understand how they can continue. Me, I already know I’d stop. Give me a boy and a girl, and my fertility journey is over, thanks. Though I hope dearly for two , I’ll just be happy to have one child… I’d keep trying for a sibling, but I’m not sure how long I can endure this journey.

Today in the /feminine hygiene aisle I almost started bawling. I was baffled by this… sure, I’m emotional, but the aisle’s never brought me to tears before. I guess it’s just all the emotional angst of the process, but that didn’t stop me from thinking, oh wow! Crying! I’m pregnant! If I were pregnant every time I cried for no obvious reason, I’d be Michelle Duggar by now.

Anyway, Trista and Ryan are finally expecting. I remember a Jasminelive interview with her about a year and a half ago where she said that people kept asking when they’d have a , and she admitted they’d been trying and it just hadn’t happened for them yet. Took them two years… they had that fairytale wedding (okay, it was a bit tacky, but still - it was their dream… or hers anyway, and he loves her) and they are gorgeous and probably pretty well off at this point, but it wasn’t easy for them. I don’t know why, but I find it comforting, and I seriously admire her for admitting it wasn’t as easy as your eighth grade health teacher wanted you to believe it was.

When I was at the Dollar Tree stocking up on cheap pregnancy tests, I found a ribbon… you know, like the kind they always give for various school stuff? Only instead of “first place” it says, “Dad-to-Be” in colorful letters. I bought it to give to my husband when I get the positive test. I also bought a cute little stuffed rabbit, for the -to-be. I’m not even pregnant - that I know of - but I just felt compelled to do that. It’s weird… it’s a very positive thing for me to do, but then I worry I’m just setting myself up. There’s just no way to know.

I’m still in the two week wait… it’s been the longest two weeks of my life and I still have somewhere between 8 and 10 days left.

Home alone…

Well… my husband left tonight for a business trip. His flight is tomorrow, but there is a huge storm heading this way and they just don’t seem to know what the heck it’s gonna do. So he’s not taking any chances. He booked a “just in case” room at an airport hotel for tonight a couple of weeks ago, and he’s making use of it.

I hate when he goes away… especially here, where to go anywhere I have to drive. I’ve gotten far less intimidated about driving, and I’ve driven in bad weather enough times now to feel relatively confident (as opposed to stupid confident) when doing so. However, when I normally drive, he’s here at home. If I get stuck, crash, have car trouble, etc, I know he’s here to come “rescue” me. With him away, I’m not sure how I feel about venturing out.

However, it’s probably a moot point anyway. With our stupid driveway, even four inches of snow can render it impassable, and if I think it’s too snowy I’m not taking a chance. I don’t have the “getting unstuck” experience that he does… and having my car stuck in the driveway is not high on my to-do list! At least the new house we hope to close on (providing there are no inspection problems) has a sane, reasonable driveway. It’s not nearly as long and it’s practically flat, at least compared to our current driveway.

I don’t know where I’d go, even if I did get out. I guess maybe the library or to Blockbuster. I am still working up to driving “down” on my own… I’ve done it, but only with my hub following in the other car. I know I’m capable, but that doesn’t mean I want to do it, either. Besides, I hate driving down in Littleton or Lakewood. Waaaay too many other cars and three or four lane roads??? Not for this mountain girl, thanks. Amazing how quickly this became home. I like my little one way county roads… I don’t mind our crazy, twisty mountain roads with the hairpin turns - even in the snow, I’d rather drive them than be on a three lane road. I’m not big on highways yet. Besides, there’s something I find soothing about the curves and twists… I don’t know. I remember the first time we drove up to this house… I thought, omg, how ever will I drive on that road??? Now I’m going to really miss it. We love it up here… but houses up are are pretty pricey, even in the current real estate climate. We get a lot more house for a lot less moving out just fifteen minutes further. And hey, the highway in much of that area is still one lane (though they’re working on expanding it, darn it). :)

I don’t know yet if I’m pregnant. Originally Fertility Friend said I ovulated on Sunday. I thought it was probably Monday… but then today after entering another temp, they changed their minds and now they say Tuesday! Since this is my first cycle, there’s a bit more guesswork involved. Anyway, that sucks because instead of possibly being able to get a test result as early as next Wed. I now have to wait to test until Friday. I know, I know… a whole two days. You don’t understand. I have discovered Dollar Tree pregnancy tests. A reliable test for a buck… and so what did I do? Well. In two trips there, I bought 18 tests. Add that to the two other tests I have and I will not have a shortage of testing materials when the time does come. Still, that $18 bucks couldn’t have bought me more than 4 of the name brand tests, and even that only if I got lucky and found the “free test in this box” boxes. Which, of course, I usually do.

I so badly want to be pregnant. I know the odds are probably only about 20%… but hey, somebody’s getting pregnant for those odds, right? So why not me?

I have a friend who got pregnant in the first month off the Pill. I’m far more hopeful than I was when I went off. I was scared I wouldn’t ovulate, but there is NO doubt about that. Now I just need to stop reading into any single symptom. I have been feeling really “off” all week - but that’s not shocking, given the hormonal cesspool my body has become since going off the Pill.

In another week I can start reading into “symptoms.” Hah. I turned 31 this week… and I really hope this is the year I become “Mommy” to human babies, as opposed to my darling fur babies!

We are under contract!

Okay, so after our landlord refused to let us out of the lease early (and then tried to come by with NO notice last week - which we denied, as we can according to our lease), we assumed our house hunting had come to an end for the time being. Then Friday we got a call from our realtor… she had a call from the listing agent. Apparently, an investor was the only other interested party for the house we loved. The seller didn’t want to deal with him, and told his agent to contact us via our agent. He agreed to pay half our penalty for ending our lease early.

We thought it over, and ended up going back to them with “if you pay our rent for the next three months, we’ll buy your house.”

The seller agreed to it!!! He’s going to pay that amount towards closing costs and we get our house!

Now, Colorado is weird, because at any time until inspections are done and agreed upon, either the seller or the buyer can pull out of the contract with no penalty… so it’s not a 100% done deal yet. But considering that Colorado also has much shorter closing time frames, the odds are good. We close March 30th!!! In NJ & NY it often takes three months to close… maybe two on an empty house/apartment, but that’s because of the lawyers. There are no lawyers involved here… unless you want one, of course.

So that’s exciting news!!!

Also exciting… all signs point to ovulation - probably sometime yesterday, but I need on more day of a higher temp to confirm it, according to Fertility Friend. Woohoo! I know I can’t expect to be pregnant, but it’s just nice to know that my body worked. Gives me hope that this will be possible without medical intervention.

In the TMI arena… omg, are my poor nipples sore! It started yesterday, and it is still pretty bad today. Ouch!!!

Saw a midwife…

I saw a midwife today for my annual. It wasn’t a planned choice, but they told me that was the soonest opening they had, and I thought… hey, why not? I might like to work with a midwife when I get pregnant someday.

I really liked her. She had the same name as me, which was amusing, though not shocking since my real name (no, it’s not Maeander, for those who haven’t read my archives!) is rather common. She was down to earth, and didn’t act like *gasp* what am I thinking? Trying to get pregnant when I’m fat??? My regular doctor hasn’t either, in fact, she was thrilled when I told her I went off birth control pills during my visit with her this week. I am well educated on the somewhat increased risks, and also well aware of what potential fertility issues I have and what will need close monitoring while I am pregnant (that would be my thyroid levels). The midwife was impressed by that, and by my (ever increasing) knowledge of how all this getting pregnant biz works.

Anyway… I haven’t sold my hub on the idea of a midwife yet, which is ironic since he’s not a huge fan of doctors… I’m working on it.

In the meantime, I found this today and I think it’s hilarious!